Wellness Stacking: Doing Two Things In A Row, Now With Nine Machines
TL;DR, says Steve the Hypothetical Gerbil: Heal LA has identified that doing more than one thing at a time works better than doing one thing at a time. This is called "wellness stacking." It costs considerably more than doing one thing at a time.
There is a concept.
It's called stacking.
It means doing two self-care things at once.
Meditating while you brush your teeth.
Journalling with your coffee.
This is the example Heal LA, the Manhattan Beach longevity studio we previously encountered, gives to explain the concept.
Then it immediately explains that its version is nothing like it.
Its version involves nine machines.
The Arc
There is a sequence to it.
Stimulate. Oxygenate. Integrate.
An arrow between each word, so you know it is a process and not just three things that happen to a person over the course of an afternoon.
Translated: get warm, get cold, then lie down.
This is not a new discovery. This is what happens to everybody who has ever taken a hot bath, gone outside afterwards, and then had a nap. The only addition here is the arrows. And a member of staff standing nearby to confirm you are doing it in the right order.
There is also a rule. Cold before hyperbaric oxygen therapy. Non-negotiable, apparently, on account of vasoconstriction and rebound vasodilation making your hyperbaric session more effective.
The revelation, apparently, is that what you do beforehand affects what happens after.
Nobody has ever built a pressurised chamber around that particular insight before. Which may be the actual innovation here.
The List
Heal LA offers wellness stacks to target: cellular repair, mental clarity, enhanced performance, stress reduction, sleep improvement, nervous system regulation, cognitive support, skin health, tissue repair, reduced inflammation, muscle recovery, emotional regulation, deep relaxation, focus, cellular efficiency, accelerated recovery, immune support, and vascular conditioning.
Eighteen goals.
One body.
Almost every desirable human state has been separated out, given a clinical-sounding label, and presented as its own reason to book something.
Old Friends
Readers of our previous investigation will remember the Ammortal Chamber.
It makes a return appearance.
Still missing its "i."
Still described as delivering five clinically-informed technologies in a single thirty-minute session.
Still not explaining what any of the five are.
Still not explaining what "clinically-informed" means as distinct from "clinically-proven." A distinction the copy seems very keen you do not examine too closely.
Elsewhere, a "Pure Wave VEMI" bed promises to "downregulate the nervous system" and "support cellular coherence."
Cellular coherence is not a diagnosis.
It is not a symptom.
It is two scientific-sounding words that have been introduced to a marriage they did not consent to.
These machines were all present in the facility we catalogued last time. What has changed is the framing.
They are no longer individual treatments.
They are now components of a stack.
The same nine machines, arranged in a different order, with an arrow between each step.
The innovation is the sequence.
The sequence is the product.
The product costs more than the parts.
The Specimen Team Reports Back
We sent our people in.
Their notes follow.
Gerald: "I asked what 'cellular coherence' meant. The consultant said it meant my cells were coherent. I asked coherent with what. She recommended I book a second session to explore that."
Cordelia: "The Cryo Dry Float was pleasant. I remain unconvinced it did anything the bath at home has not already done, several times, for free."
Imogen: "They started me on two modalities to see how I responded. I responded by checking my bank balance. My nervous system regulated itself immediately."
Fenella: "I asked whether the Stimulate, Oxygenate, Integrate arc had a control group. The woman on reception asked if I would like a herbal tea while I waited for a proper answer. I am still waiting. The tea was very good."
Steve's Verdict
Steve the Hypothetical Gerbil has reviewed the eighteen-item list and confirms he achieves all eighteen most Tuesdays.
He reports feeling coherent.
His recommended stack is a wheel, a nap, and occasionally a piece of cucumber, taken in any order.
No membership required.